


What of the Past we Used to Share?

by Teharissa



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Canon - Manga, Chapter 124, Gen, M/M, Manga Timeline, Marriage Proposal, Mostly me processing the last chapter, Past and Present, Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-08
Updated: 2019-12-08
Packaged: 2021-02-25 22:53:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,773
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21713284
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Teharissa/pseuds/Teharissa
Summary: The night before they returned to Shinganshina, Eren had asked Armin if he wanted to marry him.Now, nineteen, Armin wished more than anything else, that he had Eren by his side. That he'd just said yes. Not that it matters, truly. Too much has happened. Too muchishappening. And Armin has to live with the consequences of their past.
Relationships: Armin Arlert/Eren Yeager, Mikasa Ackerman & Armin Arlert
Comments: 4
Kudos: 86





	What of the Past we Used to Share?

**Author's Note:**

> I do not own Shingeki No Kyojin.

Armin, once, had considered marriage. It was back when he was fifteen, the night before they were going to return to Shinganshina. A time so long ago, a time where there was still some distant hope, despite the pain that had stolen their lives. That night, the wind had rattled the boards over the windows, to give the soldiers some level of privacy, and Armin lay awake in bed, anxiety twisting in his gut. His head lay in Eren’s lap, and the other boy played with his hair idly, running his fingers through it.

Armin remembered it clearly, with bitterness. Fond bitterness, the worst kind in his opinion, because he couldn’t let the past go. It was back when the world was cold and dark and cruel and so very small. Not much had changed, in that regard, except that everything had changed. It had only become darker and colder and crueler. But the world was big now, so impossibly big, and Armin knew it hadn’t been that way back then.

Connie had been sleeping in Jean’s bunk, head on Jean’s stomach as he snored. He’d loudly insisted that they share because there was a leak above his own, though Armin had doubted it. Probably, he just needed some form of human comfort, for what they were about to do. Shinganshina. It was still hard to believe. Just thinking of it made his heart clench uncomfortably tight within his chest.

“We’re going back,” Armin had said, quiet. Eren had nodded, still threading his fingers through Armin’s hair. It felt nice, natural, between the two of them. Eren kept his gaze fixed on what he was doing, though after a long moment, he met Armin’s eyes with his own stunning gold ones. Even in the darkness of the room, not even candlelit, Eren’s eyes shone with determination. 

“Yeah. We’re going to take back our home,” Eren said, “It’s what we’ve been waiting for, huh?”

It had always been what they wanted. To go home again, to see the ocean--and by extension, the world. To be free. What a nightmare that had been. What a terrible, cruel reality. Armin understood that. At the time, however, he had not. He merely smiled, small and genuine, before nodding emphatically.

“True. I guess I’m just worried. We’re so close...I can’t imagine what might happen there.”

So much had happened there.

Eren had laughed.

“We’ll kick butt, that’s what will happen,” Eren paused for a moment as if uncertain, hands hovering dropping a couple strands of hair. It wasn’t the sort of anxiety Armin was used to seeing after all--it wasn’t something mistranslated into anger, or some other outburst. It wasn’t fear. It was simply...hesitance. A hesitance that was broken quickly, with a quick shake of his head. “And afterwards, we can get married.”

Armin remembered his eyes widening, a fraction, while his heart stuttered to a stop. Unwanted, an image of Ymir came to mind, of her teasing to Historia. He fumbled for words.

“Don’t tease like that,” Armin said, slowly, as if he couldn’t quite process his own words. It was made worse when Eren shook his head again, this time in denial of what Armin had said.

“It’s not a joke,” Eren frowned, “I want to marry you. I know we’re young, but, after Shinganshina, I don’t want to wait any longer. I love you.”

Those last words were said quickly, as if Eren was still embarassed to say them. Romance hadn’t come naturally to either of them, no matter what their feelings had been. Eren wasn’t great with words of affection--yet still, he tried. Armin had to smile at the words, brightened slightly.

“I love you too,” Armin said, easily, “But. Should we really get married? I mean…”

He blushed at the thought. Marriage meant a lot. It made their romance something so much more concrete. It wasn’t that he didn’t want that though, really...it was just… _marriage_.

Eren had looked down at him, for a moment, before speaking again.

“It’s okay if you don’t want to.”

At the time, Armin had tilted his head, thinking. He could hear the sadness in Eren’s voice at that, and really, it wasn’t as if he _didn’t_ want to. The very thought of it made him feel guilty, his heart speeding a few paces, trapped within the clutches of flustered love. But. It was a big step. It was a lot. It was something he wasn’t sure if they were ready for.

“It’s not that,” Armin had said, blushing, “Just give me time, okay? It’s a big thing.”

Eren had smiled at that, still sad, but happy too. His hands resumed their steady stroke on Armin’s hair, braiding intricately, and then letting the braids fall apart. Connie snored. Jean shuffled in bed. The wind let a particularly heavy stroke sweep over the boards of the windows outside. And Eren, softly, ever so softly, replied.

“I’ll give you all the time in the world.”

The world had seemed so small, then. So dark. So cruel. So meaningful. 

Armin had thought about marriage, once. He’d thought, maybe, that he’d say yes, even. They were young. Too young. But for those who had death on the agenda every day, who consistantly and repeatedly put their own lives on the line, for those who were alone and betrayed at every turn, it hadn’t felt like too bad idea. Why wait for something you’d be dead before you could even acomplish?

Armin had thought maybe he’d accept.

He never had.

Armin, nineteen, had long since realized that he’d lost that chance long ago. Marriage. What a strange concept. Love was different, he still felt love despite everything. But that love only bred hurt. He’d tried, so hard, to believe in Eren.

Eren was trying to save them, and that realization was so hard to come to, because in doing so he was killing the rest of the massive world they lived in. In doing so, he had cut both himself and Mikasa down to the core. He’d done so much.

Why did Armin still love him? Why did he want to believe in him?

He wasn’t sure. Crying didn’t solve anything, so despite the stinging in his eyes, he tried his best to blink away tears. Mikasa was by his side, firmly stoic in this moment. She’d given up. He could see the defeat in her eyes, the defeat at what Eren had said. But, even now, he could tell that her defeat was in no way equal to her pain. Her pain dwarfed everything, and defeated, she couldn’t be emotionless the way she wanted. Maybe anyone else would think that. But Armin could read her. He could read her the same way she could read him, the same way they’d both been able to read Eren.

His heart yearned for Eren.

The first tear fell and he cursed his weakness. He cursed the way his nose had grown stuffy and his own body was betraying him the same way so many others had. Betrayal, it felt, was growing to be second nature. Like it hadn’t been already. He sniffed.

“Don’t hold it in,” Mikasa said. Cold. Her voice was so cold. What had happened to them? What had happened to the sweet, sweet past? Armin nodded, dully, at her words. There was something about them, that despite the cold neutrality, the almost lack of caring, that showed that she still did care. Not that it mattered. Armin was a dead man walking, he was on borrowed time.

“I have to,” Armin tried to say, though it came out muffled as his body shuddered with sobs, “I have to be strong.”

Mikasa didn’t protest. She couldn’t. She was the same, holding herself in, holding herself back, to be strong. So that she didn’t break. Armin just couldn’t do it like her, not like that. He wiped at his eyes, broken, angry, sad. He wasn’t quite sure.

He wished Eren was here.

He wished he’d wipe away Armin’s tears, and hold Mikasa, and promise them that it would be okay. He wished that he’d see reason. He wished that they could forget about this stupid war, forget about Marley, forget about Zeke, forget about the titans that had plagued their pasts.

He wished they could go back to Shinganshina. Past Shinganshina, that is. He wished that they could have a chance to be happy.

He wished Mikasa could laugh, wished she didn’t have to shelter her heart.

He wished he didn’t have to cry, so hopelessly, in the corner of a room. He wished he weren’t so broken, so hopelessly in love with a man who’d break the world, so lost and empty without his friends here to support him.

He wished Eren was here.

He wished he had accepted that proposal so long ago.

“Are you ready?” Mikas asked, monotonous.

Armin nodded, pushing himself off the wall. He pretended that Gabi wasn’t watching him so earnestly, her own mind pushed to the brink. She’d killed his friend, yet here she was, desperate to save her own friend.

He felt guilty for that. Really. It was just...he couldn’t stop Connie. Not right now. Not when he had no idea where he was, not when Eren was set on destroying the world they’d been so set on seeing all those years ago.

If only Eren could return to him. If only he could say something, that Eren could hear. If only he could beg him to stop, to stop doing this for them, to fucking forget everything that had happened and just disapear with him. He wished that this wasn’t the end. Because it was. It was the end of something, and he wasn’t sure of what. It was the end and he hated it.

“Let’s go,” Armin said. He walked to the door, trying to wipe up the last of his tears. God, this was embarassing. Mikasa followed without speaking. The shock of Annie’s return must be getting to her. Armin himself couldn’t quite believe it. He couldn’t believe any of what was happening. He couldn’t believe Annie was back. He couldn’t believe that Eren would do this. He couldn’t believe that Gabi knew exactly where Reiner was. He couldn’t believe Connie would give a _child_ for his mother’s life.

But there wasn’t much else to do, but to accept. To accept that things would never be the same. To accept that everything had changed.

To accept that their past--in all it’s blissful, terrifying, painful, happy, ignorant glory--was gone. And it was never coming back.

**Author's Note:**

> Oh god what the hell have I written? Like, I really do like it, but does it even make sense? Lol, I'm confused if this is a decent read or not. I'm sorry if this is just some shit.


End file.
